


Spiders

by star_named_andy



Series: Barduil One-Shots [4]
Category: The Hobbit (1977), The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Barduil - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Smut, Spiders, cuteness, hubbies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-24
Updated: 2015-03-24
Packaged: 2018-03-19 09:33:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3605199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/star_named_andy/pseuds/star_named_andy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the realm of Middle Earth, it is known that spiders plague King Thranduil's forest kingdom of Mirkwood, but in this modern universe, he needs his faithful and incredibly tolerant husband Bard to save him from the mortifying beasts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spiders

**Author's Note:**

> (Disclaimer: I do not own the Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, or any of its characters or content)

From the second Bard headed into work at Girion’s Greenery Gear every day, he was already looking forward to the end of his shift. This definitely wasn’t because he disliked his job, because that was not the truth at all. Bard was never the kind of person to boast about anything other than his four children Bain, Sigrid, Tilda and Bard and his divine husband Thranduil, but he knew he was damn good at his job as manager and disliking something he was exceptional at seemed impossible and foolish. He lived for the pressures that a high caliber position such as manager posed and enjoyed being able to be fierce, assertive and diplomatic in his line of work. Problem solving face to face with colleagues and customers was his favorite aspect of the job because it got the cogs in his brain turning toward creative solutions and it got his adrenaline moving through him like a shockwave of energy. On top of all that, how could he dislike the job that brought him and his husband together?

Along with the personal rewards included in his occupation, his pay was just excessive enough to have funds aplenty when combined with Thranduil’s earnings for whatever they and their family needed or wanted (within reason).

However, Thranduil was known to splurge whether he thought Bard knew about it or not; he thought that simply not telling Bard about certain purchases meant Bard never found out about them, but Bard would find hordes of lush bath bombs and designer accessories. Even without the secret hordes, Bard would always notice when Thranduil would be wearing some new blazer or cologne and he was the one that read the bank statements when they came in. Thranduil would just simper at him and joke “Sorry baby, but I’m a high class bitch”. He would cease his spending at times when Bard held out on the sex for punishment to really get it through Thranduil’s head, but the blonde was relentless.

None the less, Bard enjoyed everything about his life: his family and his job. That was all a man needed, right? But he still was eager to return home each day; a manager’s job was demanding and certainly stressful at times, so returning to the sanctuary that was home was always relieving. The days that Thranduil would be home the same time he arrived home were the best. If he was _really_ lucky, he would get Thranduil alone on some of these occasions and they could squeeze in some passionate playtime before anyone else came home. It was a rarity for them to be in the house completely alone, which was why this time was so precious and that was also the reason for Bard planning a very special weekend for them both to enjoy.

These plans had been made unbeknownst to Thranduil – no one knew what was coming except Bard and the children (who were trustworthy enough to keep the secret). Bard was going to whisk him away to a comfortable hotel to give them a mini vacation and some uninterrupted intimate time and he wasn’t too keen on the idea of having people hearing them through the walls, so he reserved the lone suite on the top floor for them. It was bound to be a wonderful getaway.

Today would be the day that Bard would deliver the news that he’d be escorting his husband away from their daily lives for a few days, but their destination would remain unknown until they arrived. He just knew that Thranduil would be beyond excited and definitely whiny when Bard wouldn’t tell him where they were off to, but all the buildup would be worth Thranduil’s reaction. There was absolutely nothing in the world that could stop the wheels from turning now – except maybe a frantic phone call.

“Thran?” Bard asked as he picked up the incoming call. This was only unexpected because Thranduil was supposed to be at work. His mind instantly set into danger mode – something must have been wrong and his worst fears were realized as Thranduil let out a broken, desperate sob.

“ _Oh, Bard_! Baby, I need you!” he cried and Bard entire body tightened as his heart slammed against his chest.

“What’s wrong? What’s going on?” he asked with concern rising in his voice. He pulled his truck on the side of the rode, fearing that he’d be too distracted by worry to drive. Thranduil’s voice was unconditionally distraught and Bard hated it. He sounded like his entire delicate body had been rendered utterly fragile and would shatter at any moment – it was honestly one of the most heartbreaking noises he’d ever heard. Thranduil seemed so far away, so intangible, in that heart wrenching moment. Bard wanted – no, _needed_ to be wherever he was and hold him and keep him safe and protected from whatever was making him so vulnerable.

“I-I need you to _come home_ baby, I’m so scared!” Thranduil choked through his hyperventilating.

“Thran, sweetheart, what’s happening? Did something happen with the kids? I need you to tell me.” Bard pressed frantically.

“N-no, the kids are okay – I just…need you, I can’t go to work, I need you.” He pleaded.

“I’m coming.”

It took all Bard had not to have a heart attack and to not break every driving law to race home to his husband, but he figured if he was pulled over for driving recklessly, he wouldn’t be able to get to Thranduil anyway and then there’d be a problem because there was no way he would let _anyone_ keep him from Thranduil when he needed him. As soon as the driveway was in sight, he stuck his foot down on the gas and swung sloppily into the driveway. He didn’t even turn the car off as he leapt out and ran to the door.

As he burst through the unlocked door and bounded from the foyer, he was calling Thranduil’s name incessantly with no response. He clambered up the stairs and dashed to their bedroom, catching himself on the doorway and swinging in. He immediately assessed the situation around him: the room was _fucking trashed_. Every article of clothing from the closet was flung around the room, the bed was torn apart, photo frames and trinkets on their dressers and tables were knocked over, the curtains and mangled books with their missing pages were in a pile on the floor, and there were holes in the wall. Accentuating the disaster was Thranduil pinned against the wall with one of Bard’s shoes in one hand and a hammer in the other, his face beat red and ridden with tears.

“…Babe?” Bard asked cautiously and Thranduil started bawling.

“Oh, baby you’re here! It was so _big_ and _nasty_ and _HORRIBLE_!” he wailed and Bard carefully inched into the disastrous room.

“I’m gonna ask that you put the hammer down.” He urged and Thranduil looked straight at him with a fierce glare and his voice dropped to a low, gravel tone laced with animosity.

“I can’t.” he hissed through his clenched teeth.

“Yes you can, love.”

“I can’t.”

“Thran-”

“I _CAN’T_ , Bard, I _can’t_!”

Bard was concerned by Thranduil’s apparent hostility, but he forced himself further toward his fragile beloved and gently placed his hands on Thranduil’s tense arms, rubbing up and down to try to soothe the manic man.

“Babe, you’re _shaking_ \- I’m here, Thran and nothing is going to hurt you. I promise you that…do you trust me?” Thranduil nodded mutely, letting out an uneven breath. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

“You’re gonna be mad…” Thranduil whined. Bard started wiping the still flowing tears from his cheeks with his thumbs.

“No, babe I would _never_ be mad! Was someone here? Did someone try to hurt you?” The thought made Bard’s blood boil, but Thranduil shook his head.

“Not some _one_.” He muttered stably.

“What was so big and horrible?” After a very long pause which required all of Bard’s patience, Thranduil raised his head and his glossy eyes met with Bard’s. He mumbled something very unintelligible at first and Bard arched a brow, clearly not hearing him.

“ _Spider_.” Thranduil whispered and Bard blinked.

“ _What_?”

“It was a SPIDER, Bard! A spider! A goddamn, motherfucking, disgusting ass little piece of shit spider crawling on my clothes! I was just minding my own business getting ready for work and I pulled something out of the closet and there it was!” Thranduil rattled off uncontrollably, resuming his hysteria.

Bard was dumbfounded. His lips and jaw tightened as Thranduil went on and on about the “horrifying”, “monstrous” spider that made the past twenty minutes “pure torture”. He recalled the whole situation for Bard: the plagued article of clothing on its hanger had been flung across the room after much screaming and panicking on Thranduil’s part. He paced around, wondering what to do and finally was so frustrated that he grabbed one of Bard’s shoes to confront and kill the beast with (because even in his fearsome moment, Thranduil knew his shoes were too precious to get spider gunk on them). After picking around the entire shirt and hanger with great apprehension, Thranduil was petrified to find the spider gone. Thus, everything near the wrinkled, spiderless shirt was thrown and shaken about in a rage in efforts to expose the escapee, including the bed dressings. By doing this, he effectively managed to knock a bunch of shit off of their bedside tables. Thranduil kept the shoe in case the beast should surface, and low and behold it did – first, it appeared on the curtain. After lots of off target shoe smacking, the curtain descended to the floor and Thranduil grabbed the hammer (which Bard had used just the night before to hang a photo and mistakenly left there) and chased the spider across the wall while smashing into it with the intention to kill. The spider made another disappearance in Thranduil’s blind fury and the terrified blonde assumed the worst: more spiders were in _that closet_ and he was going back to _call for backup_. Thranduil proceeded to throw every single piece of clothing out of the closet. The second and final time that the perpetrator was spotted by Thranduil’s keen eyes, it was skidding about on the dresser. Thranduil tried squashing the spider with the shoe, but it was too quick. Defeated and afraid, Thranduil pressed himself against the wall as he called Bard for aid. And now there they were.

Bard nodded slowly as he listened to the tale, his heart settling back into its normal speed all the while. His colossal anxiety had disintegrated into an anger he was greatly trying to repress. After Thranduil had finished telling his story, he heaved a sigh of relief. Once Bard was sure that he was finished, he spoke the only words that would come.

“So…you destroyed our room…because of a spider?”

“Um, YES! It was a _spider_ , Bard! You didn’t even see it – it was gigantic and it was _on my clothes_!”

“Yes, a _spider_! Tiny little things that are more afraid of you than you are of them!” Bard blurted and Thranduil’s jaw dropped.

“EXCUSE ME? I JUST ENDURED _AGONY_!” Thranduil exclaimed.

“But did you have to defend yourself with a _hammer_?! I mean – you have to see what’s wrong with this scenario!”

“What’s wrong is that there is still a spider somewhere in this house!” Bard heaved a sigh, running his fingers back through his hair and examining the holes in the wall.

“Why don’t you just go take a bath, darling, and I’ll clean up this mess.”

“But what about the-”

“I will find the damn thing and kill it myself.” Bard interrupted and Thranduil finally set down his weapons. He then came close to Bard and leaned into his chest. Bard put an arm around him and stroked his fingers through his silken locks.

“You mean it?” Thranduil inquired gently.

“Yes.” Bard answered and guided Thranduil’s head downward to kiss his forehead tenderly.

“ _Thank you_ , baby! You’re my hero.” Thranduil chimed as he nuzzled into Bard’s neck.

Thranduil did just as Bard advised and spoiled himself with a hot bath which was of course accompanied by one of his bath bombs. Bard continuously shook his head and scoffed as he went about undoing all the damage that Thranduil had done in his spider hunt – all except for the holes in the walls. That would require more materials than he had at the moment to properly patch them up. Was this entire ordeal ridiculous? Undoubtedly. Bard hadn’t even known that Thranduil was afraid of spiders. Despite his lividness with the situation and his scrutiny of it, he was just glad that Thranduil was okay.

After the clothes had been placed back in the closet, the bed had been made, the curtains had been re-hung, and everything was picked up off the floor, there was this spider to deal with. Bard was sure that wherever it was, it wasn’t going to be coming back anytime soon after somehow living through Thranduil’s excessive wrath. Just to say he gave an earnest attempt, Bard _did_ look for the little thing and found nothing but a few dust balls that he sucked up with the vacuum. He scoured the room and couldn’t decide if it would be better to lie and say he found and killed it, or be honest with Thranduil. He didn’t particularly like the idea of lying because it was against his morals, but he really didn’t want Thranduil to be freaking out day and night over a tiny spider. If Thranduil found out that Bard lied, he would be even _more_ upset.

Bard entered the bathroom prepared to deliver the news to Thranduil and was greeted with the very pleasant sight of Thranduil lounging in his pink bubble bath with his hair tied up in a bun and a glass of wine perched in his hand.

“Goin’ all out, huh?” Bard asked, thoroughly amused, and a soft smile curved Thranduil’s lips.

“Mmhm.” He hummed and let another delicate taste of wine grace his pretty mouth. “So, now that you’ve slain the dragon, are you ready to save the princess and get your reward?”

God, that was tempting. Bard wanted to lie so badly and just get whatever “reward” Thranduil had in mind, but something annoying in his head told him that he could not justly be pleased by Thranduil if he lied.

“About slaying the dragon…” Bard started and Thranduil’s eyes swelled with his tranquility instantly falling away. He abruptly sat upright, swishing the bubbles around him.

“You couldn’t find it?” he asked.

“I searched and searched. I think you scared it off.”

“ _Oh, nooo_!” Thranduil whined and set his wine down, cupping his face with both hands and rubbing his fingertips deep into his temples.

“I know, sweetheart, I know, but if it ever decides to show its hideous face again, I’ll annihilate it without a second thought.”

“Not if it’s just secretly creeping around on my clothes or in our bed!”

“Shhh,” Bard hushed. He brought himself to his knees by the tub-side and grabbed Thranduil’s hand. He went on speaking very softly. “Don’t worry about it now. The spider is gone and the room is clean…I still have a few holes to fix, but otherwise it is just as it was and spider free.”

“This isn’t how the fairytale is supposed to go. You’re supposed to slay the beast before coming to the princess; this isn’t Shrek, you know.”

“That doesn’t mean we can’t be a little unconventional, your grace.” Bard said and kissed Thranduil’s hand.

“Mmm…I dunno. You _are_ pretty handsome…for a shitty knight.”

“Would a shitty knight be taking you on a weekend getaway?”

“That depends; where is my knight taking me?” Thranduil questioned through his wide grin and Bard chuckled.

“I cannot tell you. It has to be a surprise.”

“Are we really going on a weekend trip?” Thranduil asked even more enthusiastically and Bard’s smile grew in response.

“You bet we are.”

“My baby, being all romantic – I like it.”

“Enough to invite me into that pink bath of yours?”

“I would, but where will you fit?” Thranduil asked. He was honestly perplexed as to where Bard would fit, seeing as Thranduil was well over six feet tall and took up a lot of space, but Bard had a solution in mind.

“I can think of a place where I’d fit.” He said alluringly with and a smirk and stood.

Thranduil’s demeanor changed very quickly, watching Bard lustfully as he started stripping off his suit layers and carelessly tossing them to the floor. Bard took his time disrobing; when they had opportunities like these where they weren’t rushed, foreplay became an art form. Bard moved languorously, but with purpose. As he slipped his thumbs down into the inside of his unbuttoned pants, he turned with his back facing Thranduil and bent very slowly when lowering his pants and then his boxers.

He turned and could tell Thranduil was enjoying himself by his expression and by the way his arm and hand were working subtlety beneath the water’s surface.

“Come here,” Thranduil beckoned breathily and Bard obeyed.

He carefully lowered himself into the ridiculously pink water and straddled Thranduil’s hips. Thranduil’s hard on brushed against his groin lightly in the water until Thranduil deliberately rolled his hips upward. His hands floated through the water and his fingers landed around Bard’s softness – it did not remain so soft, however, after a few powerful strokes.

“Come on, babe, we don’t need to rush.” Bard spoke and then gasped and jolted as Thranduil skimmed a fingertip over his entrance while still giving attention to his growing erection.

“I know, but you just excite me into impatience.” Thranduil said lowly and Bard bit down on his lip – Thranduil’s sex voice was a major turn on for him and Bard’s lip biting was a turn on for Thranduil, warranting Thranduil’s sudden push into Bard’s opening.

Bard leaned forward and stole Thranduil’s parted lips. Bard stopped the hand pumping his cock, not wanting to be pushed that much closer to expiration. Thranduil tried again to reclaim the ready member into his hand, but Bard swiped him away, making Thranduil groan with frustration and thrust a second finger into him. Thranduil fingered him fiercely and Bard leaned his head onto Thranduil’s shoulder, breathing hard and heavy onto Thranduil’s neck and chest from the pleasure. He wasn’t so distracted to let Thranduil’s other wandering hand go unnoticed. He grabbed Thranduil’s wrist tightly and Thranduil grunted disapprovingly while removing his fingers, leaving Bard empty, and then pressing his eager tip against Bard’s puckering entrance.

“Thran, wait!” Bard squeaked and bucked away from the prodding, but Thranduil pushed Bard’s hips back down, watching Bard moan helplessly as his full cock slid inside of him. “Damn you, you’re so impatient!” Bard complained and Thranduil’s grip on Bard’s hips tightened. “You don’t play fair – fuck you.” Bard scoffed with a pout and a furrow of his brows.

“Please do,” Thranduil teased and eased Bard’s body up and down onto his weightless, yet throbbing cock. Bard let himself succumb to the desire for a few moments as he was moved up and down on Thranduil’s dick before regaining his senses, wiggling away and climbing out of the tub. “Baby! You were the one that wanted to come in!” Thranduil called with a whine as Bard sashayed from the bathroom with a towel around his waist. Thranduil sprung out, not bothering with a towel, and chased after him into the restored bedroom.

“You _almost_ had me, but I can resist you.” Bard said proudly as he started drying himself down.

“What did I do?” Thranduil asked, approaching Bard from behind and holding his hips. He pressed against him and breathed into his ear. “Baby, I love you. You’re just so beautiful; I can’t help myself when you tease me like that.”

“I wish you weren’t so anxious.”

“I’ll tell you that next time you’re as horny as I am right now. I recall more than one occasion where _you_ were the impatient one.”

Thranduil ground against Bard’s bare ass and smirked as Bard moaned and grumbled something distasteful to himself, knowing that Thranduil was right.

“I just thought that we’d be able to take our time today…I guess we’ll have time for the foreplay this weekend.” Bard reasoned with a shrug, unable to keep from moving his hips so that Thranduil’s erection rubbed right on the crevasse that separated his cheeks. He willingly reached back and spread them so that when he moved, Thranduil’s dick was rubbing up and down over his now longing entrance. Thranduil moaned happily and started moving his hips to Bard’s rhythm, but Bard shot him a glare over his shoulder. “That doesn’t mean I can’t make you suffer a _little_ bit.”

“Haven’t I suffered enough already today?” Thranduil whined, remembering the battle with the spider.

“For a guy who has me naked against his dick, you sure do complain a lot.”

“No, no, baby you’re _perfect_. You just do whatever you want.” Thranduil pleaded quickly and Bard did just that. Thranduil was thrown down onto the bed and Bard crawled on top of him with his curls hovering over Thranduil’s face as Bard thrusted their lengths against each other. Bard kept his composure bottled up with a bite to his lip, but Thranduil was progressing into a moaning mess. His volume increased steadily each time a noise passed through his lips; this was mostly due to the pleasure, but it was also intentional in efforts to convince Bard into giving him everything. They were both liberal with the noise making, but Thranduil was by far the worse of the two because he was so awfully sensitive and Thranduil used the knowledge of Bard loving that about him to his advantage.

“ _M-mnhh_ …baby, you’re such a bad tease,” he breathed. His hand started ghosting down Bard’s back and to his ass, but Bard roughly grabbed both of Thranduil’s wrists and pinned them down securely, making Thranduil blush with wild desire.

“Just stop talking, Thran.” Bard commanded gruffly, which wasn’t unusual. When playing with each other, it was normal for each of them to get very authoritarian with each other and it was one of their biggest guilty pleasures.

“I love it when you talk dirty.” Thranduil grinned and Bard kissed him hard.

“I said _stop talking_.” The demand was exhilarating to Thranduil.

Bard made Thranduil endure the torture of their hard-ons rubbing against each other with Thranduil having no power whatsoever; if he tried to move his hips, Bard could just simply stop all together and Thranduil didn’t want to push his luck.

When Bard finally ceased, he slowly brought on a new agonizing, erotic torture; he restrained Thranduil’s wrists that now laid past his hips and lightly traced the very end of his tongue along the heart shape that formed the tip of Thranduil’s eager length while breathing heavily upon it. Thranduil’s whole body shook and he clenched his fists tightly into a ball as Bard’s tongue slid over the slit and tasted his pooled precum. He continued to draw circles around the head with his tongue and Thranduil jittered the whole way through as his fists turned red and purple. His light tongue-play was heightened by the sensation of Bard’s wet hair tickling his skin.

“F-Fuck!” he grunted and then moaned in a higher pitch as Bard took the whole head into his mouth and sucked on it, making the excitement in Bard’s groin stir.

He dragged his tongue in thin strips all around Thranduil’s aching member to cover every inch of it without taking it all into his mouth. When he did finally take more than just the head of Thranduil’s dick into the warmth of his mouth, he closed his lips around its entirety and Thranduil voiced an unearthly moan and tried to break his wrists free, but Bard hadn’t forgotten to channel strength into his restraining grip. Thranduil’s resistance was futile, but he soon didn’t care as Bard started going down on him with a fast pace and a deep reach. Bard was very gifted indeed, and he could do it all without gagging.

Thranduil’s thoughtless moaning ceased as Bard detached his sweet mouth from him, much to his dismay, but he was swiftly and pleasantly surprised as Bard straddled him. Thranduil’s captive wrists were raised above his head again and Bard brushed his ass against Thranduil’s hungry, upright erection.

“Don’t you move.” Bard warned, anticipating Thranduil to act on his impatience. He could easily just take Bard then and pound into him; he was hovering there perched over Thranduil’s ready cock. He could be seized at any moment. Whether or not Thranduil would risk it was unpredictable and at this point Bard wasn’t sure he would stop him if he did take the chance.

“If this isn’t your idea of extended foreplay, I’m afraid to know what you have in store for this weekend.” Thranduil managed to utter, despite his incredibly dry throat.

Thranduil gasped loudly as Bard eased himself down, letting just the head of Thranduil’s member inside of his precious cavern. Bard watched his husband below him intently; it was clear by Thranduil‘s expression that he was struggling to keep from bucking his hips and fucking him wildly to his heart’s content. His cheeks glowed bright pink, his pupils were large, and his watering eyes were collectively lusting and desperate. What a vulnerable, beautiful looking man. Bard stifled a smirk from surfacing, but he did enjoy being the one in control from time to time.

“You’re such a good boy for waiting.” Bard cooed and Thranduil moaned just at the power of his words. He swirled his hips around, feeling Thranduil’s head circling around the inside of his opening and wanting to just sit on it in full, but he resisted his own temptation upon drinking in Thranduil’s exquisite expression. He wanted that to last as long as possible.

Every time Bard lowered himself just a bit more, Thranduil was closer to losing control. His eyes clouded with tears from the otherworldly pleasure that Bard was bestowing upon him; he loved and hated it all at once, constantly feeling like he was climbing to his max and then plummeting back down over and over again. He was wishing he wasn’t so goddamned sensitive.

The moment that Bard had taken in his full length, Thranduil felt a sense of ultimate ecstasy wash over him. Bard simply sat still in that sexy position for a few moments before swirling his hips again and letting Thranduil’s length reach and graze every angle. Everything happening was even more euphoric because Bard’s body, inside and out, was still wet from the bath.

“ _Fuck_!” Thranduil panted as Bard rode him and down slowly while rolling his hips to hit different angles.

Bard bit down on his lip, speeding up in his movements and starting to become overwhelmed by pleasure himself. Thranduil cried out incessantly as Bard rode him devotedly, cursing and calling out his name whether it was “ _Bard_!” or “ _Baby_!”.

Bard was reeling at how Thranduil writhed beneath him and at the position itself; Thranduil’s dick, fully erect in this position, could reach anything and everything that Bard wanted it to. They had tried this same positon before, but remembering how it felt was nothing compared to actually feeling it. Bard kept slamming himself down onto Thranduil’s cock, hitting his most sensitive spot over and over again.

When he finally was so lost that his grip on Thranduil floated away, Thranduil’s hands flew to Bard’s hips. His nails dug deep into his skin and they both cried out as Thranduil thrust himself upward. They joined in a unity a moaning and Bard was screaming Thranduil’s name as he felt himself balancing on the edge of release. Thranduil heaved a huge sigh as he was the first to release inside of his beloved and Bard came just a short moment after, sputtering onto his and Thranduil’s stomachs. Thranduil pumped until he was finished and they both felt utterly weightless.

Bard weakly pulled himself from Thranduil’s fading erection, dipped down and lapped up the extra residue of cum on Thranduil’s tired cock. He wiped away his own expellings from Thranduil’s toned stomach and then Thranduil sat up and licked the seed from Bard’s abs before letting him flop down beside him. They both curled into each other quietly to rest.

At least they weren’t thinking about the spider anymore.

 

It wasn’t ten minutes after they had finished their love making that Thranduil started to pester Bard about where they were going that weekend – he had _almost_ forgotten about it through the whirlwind he’d been put through, but Bard wasn’t that lucky.

Bard held out and didn’t reveal his secret. They were due to take off tomorrow, which meant Thranduil would be spending every moment of his spare time until then packing. He constantly questioned Bard as he showed him things from their closet and drawers, asking if certain outfits would be appropriate for what Bard was planning. He was very picky and indecisive when it came to choosing a few select outfits, so he ended up packing more clothes than necessary on top of all his accessories and self-care products, from conditioners to colognes to tweezers. Bard tried to convince Thranduil that he didn’t need it all, but his efforts were useless.

Thranduil and Bard smothered the children with hugs and kisses and warnings like “you know the emergency numbers and where they are – don’t forget to feed yourselves – don’t hesitate to call if you need anything” before Legolas, Bain, Sigrid and Tilda finally shoved their dads out the door and instructed them to have a great time and not worry about them with very cheesy, suspicious looking grins. Those faces made Thranduil’s stomach churn, but Bard just laughed as he ushered Thranduil into the passenger seat.

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. The worst they’ll do is make a mess in the living room building forts and eat too much junk food.”

When they got close enough to their destination, Bard made Thranduil blindfold himself. Thranduil agreed with a pout and wanted to rip the blindfold off as soon as the car stopped, but Bard stopped him. He let himself out of the car and opened up the passenger door. Once he grabbed Thranduil’s hand and helped him out, he did the unveiling himself and Thranduil’s gaze was met by a giant, luxurious hotel building.

“Oh, baby its beautiful!” Thranduil cheered and spun to pull his husband into a tight hug and cover his face in appreciative kisses with Bard laughing the whole time.

Their luggage was swiftly taken away by very kindly bellboys and Bard led Thranduil through the threshold of their getaway paradise. Thranduil’s wide eyes fell on every inch of the ornate interior as Bard checked in and was given the room keys. The whole way up to their private suite, Thranduil couldn’t stop babbling compliments to everything he saw: “what wonderful designs on the wallpaper – I would love to have a vase like that – those paintings are so refined - that chandelier is looks like pure starlight!”.

When they got to the top floor, Thranduil was thoroughly impressed that Bard had basically reserved the whole floor just for them since there was only one suite up there. When Bard opened the suite door for him, Thranduil put his hand on his chest and gasped in delight. He danced into the room and smelled the excessive and luxurious collections of flowers in their gorgeous vases as he twirled onto the king sized bed.

“Baby, this is _amazing_! How long have you been scheming all of this?” he asked as he crawled upward to lay on the pillows. He gave a blissful sigh.

“Truthfully, for a few months now.” Bard admitted as he relaxed into the bed next to Thranduil. He started to caress Thranduil’s porcelain cheek lovingly. “I thought we could use a little time to ourselves and I thought that my sweetheart could use a little more pampering than usual; only the finest for my spoiled princess.” And with that comment, he kissed Thranduil’s smiling lips.

“Will you take me out on the town too?” Thranduil questioned.

“We can go to town, go shopping, go to dinner, to the pool – we can do whatever you want.”

“Is the pool indoor or outdoor?”

“They have both _and_ a jacuzzi. In fact, I think there’s a jacuzzi tub in our master bathroom here.”

“There is?!” Thranduil exclaimed and sat up to go look at it, but Bard grabbed his hand and beckoned him back onto the bed. Thranduil raised his eyebrows and smirked as he traced his finger around on Bard’s chest. “Now who’s the impatient one?”

“I remember the first day you walked into Girion’s to have your sprinkler system uninstalled,” Bard began as he smiled up at Thranduil, who rolled his eyes adoringly at Bard’s reminiscence. “’I decided I like to water to plants myself’ you said very matter-of-factly, like you had a grudged against the sprinklers or something. So I sent over my guys and you came back just a week later looking for pruning shears - that’s when I knew you were interested in more than just gardening.”

“How would you infer that from me wanting pruning shears?” Thranduil questioned and Bard laughed.

“A good pair of pruning shears will last a gardener a lifetime!”

“Maybe I had a shitty pair of pruning shears.” Thranduil grinned and Bard shook his head.

“That smile of yours says otherwise.”

“If it weren’t for my persistence, we wouldn’t be here right now.”

“And I am ever so grateful that we are.” Bard pulled Thranduil down to seal the romantic moment with a kiss, but just as Thranduil started to lower himself at Bard’s gentle hand, his eyes grew wide.

Before Bard could ask what was wrong, Thranduil latched his arms around Bard and dove onto the floor.

“THRAN?!” Bard exclaimed, but his attempt at clarifying what was going on was covered up by Thranduil’s screaming and scrambling to his feet while yanking Bard’s arm.

“BABE, I KNEW IT! I _KNEW IT_ YOU FILTHY LIAR, YOU LIED TO ME!” Thranduil spat and Bard stumbled to his feet, utterly dumbfounded at how fast the mood had changed.

“What are you talking about?!” Bard demanded and Thranduil nearly backed up to the door with a wavering finger pointing toward the wall behind the bed.

“You didn’t check everything you packed like I asked, did you? DID YOU?”

“Well – no!” Bard admitted and Thranduil shrieked while jogging in place and shaking his fists around.

“BARD, _NO_! You _swore_ that you would and now that damn fucking spider _followed us from home_!”

“What? Thran, sweetheart, that’s insane!”

“Really? LOOK AT THE WALL, BABE! LOOK. AT. THE WALL!”

Bard trudged over to the wall, picked up a notepad from the bedside table and smacked the spider dead.

“Now it’s dead for good.” Bard said simply and turned to Thranduil who was still pinned against the door with a horrified expression. “What? I killed it.”

“What if that wasn’t the spider that snuck up on me yesterday? What if the spider had babies and I scared it so badly that it sent its little minions after me?! They’re everywhere, I just know it!”

“No, Thran-”

Thranduil slipped out the door and Bard heaved a graveled sigh as he chased the hysterical blonde down the hall. Bard was forced to bring Thranduil, who was a drowning in his own tears, down to hotel maintenance and requested that they send people up to the suite to inspect it thoroughly for spiders before any fun was to be had on their part.


End file.
